Quack Experimental Star Wars One Shots
by Kingtopher
Summary: A Series of Humorous one shots involving some of my favorite OC's. If you have an idea comment it on this story and if I like it I'll write it.
1. Yoda's Crazy Dream

**Quack Experimental Star Wars One-Shots**

**Ch. 1 Yoda's crazy dream.**

**This is the columniation of months of my brother and me saying, "You know what would make a funny story?" Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own star wars, George Lucas does… I think**

It had been over two decades since the tragic fall of the old republic, almost a decade since the last rouge jedi had been tracked down and executed. Well, that is except for the two masters Yoda and Obiwan Kenobi.

Now the latter jedi had done the logical decision and decided to live a solitary life on an outer rim planet. He changed his name and was able to scrape by the years with his sanity in tact be occasionally making a run to the nearest city and enjoying a drink at the cantina.

He, who on any other circumstance would have avoided these places, went to them because after a decade of solitude even a jedi can loose his sanity in complete solitude.

Yoda on the other hand chose a home far more secluded and isolated.

On the planet of Dagobah there are no cantinas to enjoy the occasional drink, in fact there are no drinks at all except for the water you see around you… everywhere. Yes Dagobah was just one big giant swamp and after years fighting for your life against any manner of carnivorous or even worse, Gungan, like natives your sanity might be questionable.

But Yoda was a jedi after all and he wasn't just about to go insane after a little bit of hardship, well not consciously anyways.

His dreams were actually quite a different matter.

_~Outside Yoda's hut~_

Yoda had just finished teaching young Luke Skywalker how to properly use the force and was almost ready to send him on his way.

"Master Yoda", Luke began, "I can't thank you enough for training me after the only thing you have to go on was a recommendation from Master Ben, I mean Obiwan".

"A friend of Master Kenobi's is a friend of mine", Yoda said as he walked slowly back to his hut, "How my old friend is I wonder? Hmm".

Luke shifted slightly uncomfortably, "Um, Master Yoda, I told you when I first arrived that Master Obiwan was dead. You told me yourself that you sensed his passing from half way across the galaxy".

The old jedi master thought for a moment, "No".

"No what Master?" Luke asked.

"If dead Obiwan was then some powerful enemy would have to exist to kill him. Does not exist such an enemy", the old jedi said thoughtfully.

Luke looked at the hermit with the same look he'd given Ben when he told him about the force.

"Doesn't exist Master? The empire is more than a minor threat and Vader? What about him and his master the emperor?" The young Skywalker asked his apparently senile master.

"Empire? What empire you speak of I wonder. Stopped the would be emperor I did. Saved the younglings I did. Killed Vader years ago master Kenobi did", said the old jedi as he chuckled at his triumph and continued to walk to the hut.

"Master surely you are joking?" Luke asked as he ran after yoda, "You've been here for twenty years waiting for me to come and be trained by you".

"Twenty years Hmmm? One week I have been here and no longer. Came you have not to train, but to bring me home", Yoda laughed once again.

"This isn't true Master!" Luke said in a new worry that his master had just gone off the deep end, "If I'm only here to bring you home then why did you train me?"

"Train you so you could dredge out your fancy new ship I did", Yoda continued as he entered the small damp wood hut that had been his home for twenty years.

Luke ducked and entered after him to see the jedi master packing up his meager belongings into a new suitcase that came out of nowhere.

"Where did that? Oh never mind, Master where are you going?" Luke demanded to know.

"Home we are going, so continue to build the jedi order I may do", the jeid master replied as he walked back out, now with a rolling suitcase behind him.

"You can't be serious!" Luke exclaimed.

"But I am", Yoda said as he jumped into the X-Wing star fighter.

"Well I suppose I should show the truth", Luke thought aloud, "And no better place to prove the jedi have fallen than the ruined temple on Coruscant.

-At the temple site-

The old temple, pride of the old republic, was in a state of complete disrepair. The once proud structure was full of holes and covered in rubble. It made Luke furious while at the same thankful, because who would bother defending a ruined temple haunted by ghosts.

"You see master?" Luke said after he stepped out of his fighter, "The temple is gone, the jedi are gone, and the republic is gone!"

Yoda starred in with open eyes at the destroyed remains of his home for hundreds of years. Then he began to glow.

"Uh master?" Luke said with a degree of concern.

The old jedi glowed brighter and then the glow began to spread past his body in a perfect sphere.

"This can't be" Luke said in disbelief, "Is this… the force?"

The hermit's force sphere grew brighter and brighter and expanded further and further. Then Luke began to notice his master floating off the ground.

"Perhaps it was bad idea to bring you here", the young Skywalker said in a very worried tone, "I'm just going to take you home now".

Yoda began to scream and the sphere expanded beyond the entire temple. After that all inside went bright blue.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING MASTER!" Luke yelled out from the epicenter.

Then it all receded, the light, the force, and the jedi.

The young Skywalker rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what he saw before him.

Every thing was back in pristine condition. The building was back to its former glory and not only that, but every member of the temple was back alive, wondering very much what had just happened.

"Told you I did. Here everyone is", Yoda chuckled as he took his seat in the council chamber.

* * *

><p>"Huhh", the old jedi woke up from his dream sitting straight up in his little bed.<p>

He looked around his shack to find it just as he remembered it. His pantry, water supply, hole in the ground for a toilet, and guest bed. Yep that was normal, wait guest bed?

"Here who is?" Yoda asked as the visitor made him known.

"Its me master yoda", said a very un-android like Anakin Skywalker.

"Young Anakin? Can it be? Lord Vader are you not?" Yoda asked confused.

The young man raised an eyebrow and laughed, "Vader? That old thing? You mean when we tricked old Palpatine into making me his next apprentice after we discovered the plot to kill the jedi? I haven't stomached being called Vader in what, five years now?"

"Lying you must be. Dead you are. Alive only as Vader you were", Yoda said.

"Master, I hate to ask you this, but are you going senile? Anakin asked as he looked through Yoda's pantry for food.

The old jedi sighed, pulled out his light saber and stabbed himself in the torso.

* * *

><p>Once again Yoda woke in his bed this time he saw a small human boy with pale skin and black hair looking down at him.<p>

"Hi", he said.

The jedi sighed with his latest encounter.

"Who are you", he asked in frustration.

"Philip Crow and might I say how pleased I am for you to welcome me so kindly into your lovely estate, much more cozy than my drab tent", the boy replied.

"Let you stay why did I?" Yoda asked.

The boy laughed then replied, "You didn't hehehe. On a technical note I'm not here at all, neither are you. This is all an illusion, a dream if you will".

"I dream you say Hmmm. What you mean I wonder?" Yoda says.

"Well there isn't much to understand. I am just a figment of your slowly depleting sanity, as I am the perfect example of an insane person who lives knowing that fact. So let your buddy Crow stop you from going off the deep end in your next dream level", the boy said quickly without taking a breath.

"Next level? What do you mean?" the hermit asked.

"Oh you will find out", Crow said as he pulled out a dagger and beheaded the small jedi.

* * *

><p>"Master yoda, you wanted to see me?" Mace Windu said as he sat next to his friend in the jedi council room.<p>

"Hmmm? Yes right, it is the time to bring the sith lord to justice", Yoda mused as he grabbed his cane from the side of his chair.

The other master sat up in attention and looked down at the older jedi, "Then this means you know who it is?"

Yoda began to walk across the temple to where a ship had been waiting.

"Master Yoda?" Windu asked as he walked after his ally.

"Come and see, Master Windu", he said as he entered the Gunship

The two jedi walked out of the Gunship at the chancellor's office in haste, once inside Yoda force pushed the pilot clones off the edge making sure Windu didn't see.

They walked up to the office and marched right in.

Chancellor Palpatine spun casually around in his comfortable chair and faced the two.

"What do I have to thank for this pleasant visit?" he said in his best diplomatic tone.

"NOOOO!" Yoda yelled as he sprinted straight at the politician, light saber blazing.

"Yoda stop!" Mace said as he ran to stop the older jedi.

Despite his meager size yoda was a major handful, even for a master as powerful as Windu.

Several clones ran in at a response to the chancellor's panic button. Yoda broke free and slashed each clone in half at different angles each.

"Yoda what are you doing!" Mace exclaimed in shock.

The old master panted from the work and said, "Just saving your life… and countless others… in the future".

"What in the world do you mean?" Master Windu said.

"HE is the sith lord", the green man said as he pointed his saber back at the sith.

Mace Windu was overcome with a desire to say, "The tyranny of the sith will never rule the galaxy!"

Yoda began to charge the villain when he felt a tug on his robe that stopped his advance. He turned to see the same boy from his last dream holding him back.

"I know you want to but you can't" Crow said as he held Yoda back, a feat that Windu had trouble with.

"Die he must!" Yoda screamed.

"It will just send you deeper into the dream, is that what you really want?" the boy asked as he walked away, leaving Yoda alone with his enemy and Windu, who turned to dust.

Yoda turned to the Chancellor to see him grow to a giant size and glow red.

The jedi sighed and once again stabbed himself in the torso.

* * *

><p>"Master Yoda, I have come to complete my training", Luke Skywalker's voice could be heard from outside the hut.<p>

Yoda sat up and checked his surroundings, everything seemed normal and that included the coming of Luke.

"Master are you here?" Luke asked.

"Here I am", Yoda said as he walked out.

Yes Yoda was not insane, but he was at the same time. While his consciousness was still sane, but his dreams grew more and more crazy.

**Chapter one complete, look forward to the next one.**


	2. Vader Joins the Rebellion

**Quack Experimental Star Wars One-Shots**

**Ch. 2 Vader Joins the Rebellion**

**I think the title explains it all, hehe.**

**Kingtopher spoofs the good Vader genre.**

**Enjoy the insanity.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own star wars.**

The leaders of the Rebellion sat around their conference table and discussed the most peculiar sight that had been seen just earlier this very day.

"What was he doing here?" Mon Mothma said from her head position, "It is clearly a set up, but then why would he make it so obvious?"

The others grunted in agreement as they too had been pondering the same thing.

Admiral Akbar spoke up from the opposite end of the room, "Perhaps he might actually be genuine. It is possible that he is trying to turn over a new leaf".

The entire room broke up into chaos at this accusation.

"Preposterous!" I highly decorated officer said as he stood up, "He would never go against the empire! I agree with Mon, it is obviously a trap".

Some nodded, others were still stuck up on the previous statement. Senator Organa was nodding quietly at the statements while his now teenage daughter was shoving him, trying to make him voice her opinions.

"Father", Leia said to the king of Alderaan, "If you would just suggest to the committee that we could perhaps use him for information".

"Calm down Leia, I don't think you are seeing the situation clearly. Politics is my game if you remember", the older Organa said as he brushed her aside.

"But Father!" she whined back at him.

The old senator sighed and thought for a moment, he could either make her suggestion now or face constant complaints for the next month… if he was lucky.

"If it would please the council", Organa spoke up, "I believe that we should let him be recruited and use this to our advantage. It isn't every day that we can have him under our thumbs".

The council room went into dramatic debate as each person of the group demanded to be heard. After they calmed to a low rumble, Mon Mothma once again took control.

"Alright, compose yourselves. How can we lead this rebellion if we can't keep peace amongst ourselves?" she said as she stood up, "That said, I propose a vote. All in favor of letting him be recruited under strict supervision? All opposed?"

One more member raised his hand in favor than against.

"Alright, then the motion passes. Darth Vader will be recruited with the next class of cadets".

* * *

><p>Jake Andros had experienced many weird recruits in his day. An imperial spy (easily detected), an old kaminoian, and once a drunken Gungan, but this took the cake.<p>

Earlier this day Darth Vader, second in command to the emperor, had come into to his recruitment office for the rebellion.

It had started out as such a promising day too. He had five new recruits before lunch! That was more than Jake had initiated in the last month, but then he came in.

It was a wonder why Vader thought no one would recognize him. The sith had walked into the building with no disguise, but a shirt over his armor that read, "I am not Darth Vader" on it.

When the others in the office saw him they all turned tail and ran out the back door. Jake, the unlucky bastard, had been looking threw the fridge and turned around to see the lord of the empire looking down at him with his saber drawn.

Jakes life flashed before his eyes, he said a silent goodbye looked his enemy in the face. Just for fun he decided to talk.

"What might I do for you today sir?" he said in a very erratic and panicked tone.

Vader looked down at the man, his breath respirator clearly audible, "I have come to join".

The recruiter's heart skipped a beat.

"Co-ome ag-gain" he stuttered.

"This is the recruitment office for the rebellion correct? I have come to join. My intelligence, uh I mean friends, told me this was a recruitment office", the sith said as he picked up a chair that had been knocked over in the panic and sat down.

Jake did the same and haphazardly picked up a new recruit form and a pen to fill it out.

"Um… before we begin, I have to ask are you Darth Vader? I don't mean to offend, but I've seen your picture all around and heard your voice on the holocron propagandas that the empire puts out all the time", the recruiter said with newfound composure.

This would be his chance to get out of this rotten deck job and maybe become a solder, or better, an officer.

"I hate those propagandas, oh wait… I mean what propagandas? I am most certainly not Lord Vader, though I do here he is a rather handsome fellow, underneath his mask I mean", the man said.

Jake raised an eyebrow at the clearly sith person standing before him.

"You can't be serious? I have already accepted that you will probably kill me, now you can take off that ridiculous shirt and just send in your troopers, or whatever you had planned", he said as he placed the form on his lap.

To his distinct surprise, his guest broke out laughing, "Troopers? I have no troopers. Those fools are my sworn enemies, if anything I should be worried about you sending them".

This threw Jake for a loop, he had no idea that Vader was such a good actor, but there was one more trick up his sleeve.

"Okay, then if you aren't Vader why do you have a breathing apparatus?" the rebel asked.

He could see the sith pull out a small piece of paper very discreetly and set in on his lap. Jake couldn't tell, but he swore that threw his lenses that Vader was staring at the paper.

"Well, during the clone wars I was a pilot on a spice freighter. We were quite successful at sneaking past separatist blockades. Then one day we were under heavy fire", he strategically made his voice sound sad at that line, "My crew died and I was blasted out into space. I was rescued, but not until after solar flares had burned my skin, so here I am."

The recruiter almost laughed at the obvious lies, but held his tong. Then he decided he might as well roll with it even if he might get killed in the process.

"Okay… Mr.?" Jake asked.

"Jenkins, you can call me Jenkins".

* * *

><p>It was a busy day in barracks one of the rebel s training camps. They cadets had been told by command that Darth Vader, yes <em>that<em> Darth Vader, was going to be joining their group under the name of Cadet Jenkins.

Another new cadet, Jake Andros, had given the bad news. He was some desk jockey that did something special or something, the other cadets didn't care they were just annoyed at the news he brought.

"Alright gentlemen", the local admiral said as he addressed the entirety of barracks one, "For some unknown reason Vader has applied to become a rebel trooper. It has the men upstairs wary. Now you all are supposed to find out why he's come and then respond to counter it".

"Yes, sir", the cadets said.

They watched their admiral exit the bare walls of the sparingly furnished barracks. Then turned to Andros.

"Alright, out with it", the standing corporal, Ness, asked as his men backed him up, "Is this some test or are you really serious about Vader coming".

Jake's face flushed red with the sudden turn from the other members of the unit. He felt his way backwards and sat down on one of the cold beds.

"I t-told y-you guys", he stuttered out frantically. Jake took a deep breath and continued, "He came to my office one day and said he wanted to apply for a position in the rebel marines".

Corporal Ness sighed and leaned on another bed, putting his hand on the back of his head.

"Look, if that's true then can you explain why he is being referred to as Jenkins? Mr. Andros?" he asked.

Jake pulled out his transcript for enlistment first, "First off, I'm private Andros, first class too. Second, he was pretending not to be Vader. He even wore a shirt that said 'I'm not Vader' on it".

The crew burst out laughing at this concept, the feared lord of the sith wearing a comedic shirt.

"You're serious aren't you?" Ness sighed as he sat down.

"Yup".

"Welcome to our team!" the cadets of barracks one said as Jenkins i.e. Vader walked in.

He could not believe this was actually working! It had been a month since he had joined the rebellion to spite his master after a particularly bad electrocution and now he was actually inside a barracks.

Oh how this brought back memories, he hadn't been inside a barracks since the clone wars days.

Despite the fond memories this brought back that deep-seated regret that used to plague him back when he first turned. Oh well he was going to be doing things right this time.

On that note Vader dwelled on the thought that he had been welcomed open armed into the rebellion without so much as a dna test to prove his legitimacy. He had hunted these fools for years and nothing, but come in an incredibly poor disguise and your golden.

How hadn't he stopped them years ago?

They had even built a hyperbolic chamber for him to sleep in, but he hadn't been questioned about anything.

Were they testing him? Did they know?

"Um… Private Jenkins? You've been standing there for five minutes without moving. Are you alive?" that boy he had met in the recruitment office said.

Vader liked that kid, so he would answer if only to keep him from looking stupid.

"Yes, I am just tired and require rest. You understand correct?" the sith said as he walked towards the retrofitted hyperbolic chamber.

"Um, okay private", the corporal on deck had said.

Vader didn't care; he wanted some time to himself to contemplate how well this was going.

He had a good feeling about this whole thing.

* * *

><p>The next few weeks went on marvelously. Vader had done basic training without much trouble and even earned a place of honor in his barracks.<p>

He was a natural with a blaster, despite the fact that he had only fought with a sword his entire life. He felt prepared for anything the empire had to throw at him. Oh yes, Palpatine would regret treating him poorly indeed.

After the initial two weeks of training the higher ups must have felt that their group was ready for the front lines, because they were moved out on the first ship.

Just like when he was brought to the camp, Vader was blindfolded and spun around before he was guided onto the ship.

He was his blinds were let loose when he was put in his cabin. It did strike him odd that he was the only one that they did that to, but whatever.

Now it was only a matter of time before he would get to the front.

"Everyone to the bridge, it is time for the battle planning meeting" the intercom yelled out.

How serendipitous! His little experiment with the rebels was already getting him on the front lines after only a brief period of waiting, soon Vader was going to be able to make things right!

Now it is time to get to the bridge.

Easier said than done, given Vader hadn't seen any of the ship yet and hadn't realized they were in light speed until he saw a window.

After much searching he found the command center and to his distinct surprise everyone was waiting for him.

A small pale, black haired boy waved at him to come over and take the seat next to him.

"You're late, mate", he said.

He was way too young to be a soldier, but no one questioned his presence and he wore a highly decorated admiral's jacket.

"Name's Crow by the way, Phillip Crow", he said as he extended a hand.

Vader awkwardly shook the hand as he heard people murmur _"What is he doing"_ and _"Why is he shaking air?"_ At these comments the sith took his hand back from the boy and sat down.

"He, hem", the ships captain and possibly the admiral of the local fleet began, "Now we are going to discuss our next move. We have amassed a rather formidable fleet in this quadrant and we are intent on using it took attack the repair site for damaged star destroyers at Utapau".

The room began to erupt in small conversations between people and those around them.

"Quiet down everyone", the commander said, "Now after a recent escapade in which a major portion of the fleet was damaged slightly via Bothan sabotage".

"That was you!" Vader said almost reflexively. He instantly regretted it as everyone in the room gazed at him except his neighbor, whom was picking at his fingernails.

"What do you mean, private Jenkins?" the captain asked.

"Um nothing. I, ah, have to tell you all something though", the dark lord said as he stood up and stood in attention towards the superior officer, "It is vital that you know the repair field was moved to Mustafar".

Some people gasped, others grunted approval, many just raised an eyebrow.

"Why would that be, private?" he asked once more.

"The empire has long been aware of your plan to attack and destroy the damaged ships, because of that they moved the entire repair fleet to Mustafar planetary orbit", Vader began, "Not only that, but the remaining star destroyers and the a rather formidable planetary defense grid has been set up for you all".

"How did you come to learn this?" the commander asked in a follow up question.

"Simple, I know people", the sith waved his hand around and manipulated the force as he said these words to make them seem more believable.

Everyone nodded and agreed with what he said, as the dark lord had been using enough force power to make the emperor think he was Jar Jar Binks.

The boy sitting next to him chuckled as if the force tickled him. He then cleared his throat and walked out the door.

"Well its been fun, but I have too see a Gungan about overthrowing a republic", Crow said as he walked outside the room, "No worries though, I'll be back in a month or two".

No one appeared to take notice of him as he left; Darth Vader tried not to look as he knew that no one else could see him.

"So, private", the commander spoke up after he had sufficiently forgotten his own question, "What do we need to do?"

Everyone in the room looked at him expectantly as Vader had a look of utter surprise beneath his mask.

"Well… are you sure an unimportant private such as my self should be giving battle orders?" he asked.

The captain laughed, "Alright then, I hereby give you the rank of corporal. That's high enough to give battle orders isn't it?"

Darth smiled under his mask. If it had been this easy to go up in the ranks in the jedi order, he probably never would have betrayed them.

* * *

><p>Time went by quickly for Darth Vader. After a multitude of successful military missions and campaigns he had been promoted to captain with his very own ship, it was the same one that the admiral stayed on so he didn't really call too many shots it was nice.<p>

After they had managed to conquer the planet of Kamino Vader had even discovered that the Emperor had been lying when he said nothing modern medicine was able to do would be able to get his legs and arms back. The cloners had already prepared replacement limbs.

Now it was only a matter of time before he would be able to get rid of his breath respirator forever and live like he once had.

The emperor was on the run and there was nothing he could do!

Now all that was left was to tell the people the truth and hope that they would accept him.

Needless to say he was terrified.

After he got over his nerves and relived those old Skywalker nerves of steal, he was ready for to give his men the soul crushing news.

Vader reached for the nearest intercom switch from the inside of his hyperbolic chamber.

"Attention everyone. I am calling a meeting at 1900 hours in the main conference room deck R".

Announcement done, he laid down for a nap and waited for his alarm to ring.

Once that to was done, he ran all the way to the deck and caught his breath and waited for the troops to arrive.

The admiral walked up and spoke, "What is this about Captain?"

"I have a very big announcement about myself", Vader responded.

"Very well", the admiral replied.

Everyone gathered and looked up at their captain.

"I have a declaration that might shock and surprise you all" he said solemnly.

Everyone in the room started to murmur to themselves, accept that Crow kid who had showed up once more last week.

"Now quiet everybody. I know that you all view me as your beloved captain who has spent the last few months living and dying with all of you, but I have a secret", Vader began, "I am the sith lord. Darth Vader".

Everyone burst into shock.

"No it can't be"

"You're lying! You have to be lying!"

"I am extremely startled!" the admiral said.

Crow looked around and saw that everyone was surprised and played along, "Oh, um ya… Oh you're Vader? That is ridiculous".

"I know, I know. None of you want to believe it", Vader said, "One thing though. Not only am I Vader, but I was once Anikan Skywalker and I believe because of your kindness I have become him once more".

Everyone ooed and awed as they heard his truths. Some cried, others laughed, but everyone was pleased.

"Now I think it is time for the final blow", Anakin began, "The emperor has begun construction of his super weapon and I believe with our newfound strategies we might be able to take him down for good".

Everyone cheered at this remark. Then they calmed and waited on for him to continue.

"Now I am going to have some surgery that will restore my body to its former prowess and in the meantime I will give the higher ups the coordinates for the assault".

The room erupts into cheers and even the other captains and generals clap for him. Vader, no, Anikan had finally made amends… or did he.

If Skywalker had been thinking at all he might have questioned the fact that no imperials had gone looking for him. He may have asked why no one tried to contact him when he had a speaker in his helmet.

Vader may also have questioned why after he disappeared and everything he learned had been used against the empire, his Intel was still accurate. He could have questioned that, but he didn't.

Instead Vader woke up from his surgery to find not only had he not been put back to order, but was in a far more constricting body suit than before. The previous one had been uncomfortable, but this one was unbearable.

Palpatine himself was looking over Vader as he sat up after the surgery.

"What is going on?" he asked.

The emperor smiled and said, "I am simply putting you back in your place. Do not put to much worry on it Lord Vader, after a few years of remedial labor for your crimes against the empire I will let you have your body back… after you are to old to oppose me".

Yes Vader could have questioned his Intel, but instead he sent the entire rebel fleet to their deaths by a surprise assault by the still very much intact imperial fleet.

As it turns out every attack the rebels had made in the past few months had been ships already determined for destruction with droids piloting the crafts.

Yes the rebel command thought after all his good deeds they could trust Vader inherently, so they back round checked his claims less and less. This proved to be their undoing.

Once more it turned out the emperor had been planning to torment Vader into the act of betrayal. After Vader proved he was incapable of taking out the rebels himself, the natural idea was to put him in as a double agent.

Vader never questioned his good luck and in the end it proved his undoing. All this could have been avoided if he actually thought things threw instead of being so rash. Then again, that was always Anakins weakness.

**This is my reflection on the popular Vader joins the rebellion, blah blah, gets his body back by cloning or some other thing. The only thing I didn't add was a thing about his family, it didn't seem like it would fit in this story though.**


	3. Only Sith's Deal in Absolutes

**Quack Experimental Star Wars One Shots**

**Ch. 3 Only Siths deal in Absolutes**

**Today we blow the top on the biggest sith in the galaxy. It might surprise you who it is.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any characters ect.**

It was once said by a rather prominent jedi that only sith deal in absolutes. If that was true then there happened to be a sith greater in all those around him via prominence and force power. That sith's name…

Yoda

_~Outside Yoda's hut~_

"Hello? Is anyone there?" Luke yelled after landing on Dagubah.

Luke come to the swamp world to search for the great jedi master Yoda and now his X-wing is sunken into that very same marsh.

"I am wondering", a small and strange green hermit said out of nowhere, "Why are you here?"

Luke looked at the mysterious newcomer and decided to humor him, "I'm looking for someone".

The old hermit gave a throaty chuckle, "Looking? Found someone, you have, I would say, hmmm?"

"Right…" was the jedi hopefuls only response.

"Help you I can ", the little man said, "Yes, mmmm".

"I don't think so", Luke responded with a hint of frustration, "I'm looking for a great warrior".

"Ohhh. Great warrior", the hermit said as he shook his head and laughed, "Wars not make one great".

Luke began to lose his patience, "Do you know Yoda or not?"

"Know him? Hmmm?" The small green person said, "Know him I do".

The young Skywalker's spirits soared at this statement, "You do? Take me to him!"

"Yes, mmm, with me come", he answered.

With that sentiment, Luke followed the stranger threw the deep brush to a small hut. The hermit entered and Luke followed, practically crawling because of how low the door was.

"Where is Yoda?" Luke asked, "I don't exactly have time to waste sitting here".

The hermit just sat down and began preparing some drinks.

He spoke aloud to seemingly no one, "Impatient he is, train him I will not".

"_But you must", said the astral voice of Ben Kenobi, "It his destiny"._

Luke stared in wonderment at what he had just witnessed.

"To old he is to begin the training", the hermit commented.

"_That is no reason, he has already begun the path of jedi learning", Ben replied._

"To much impatience, he is to rash in his decisions", the man who Luke was now growing suspicious about.

"I was much the same if you remember correctly when you trained me", Kenobi said as his trump.

"Wait… You are Yoda aren't you!" Luke exclaimed at the little green man, "Master I have come to complete the training I began with master Kenobi".

Yoda sighed and led him outside.

~What followed was a rather epic training sequence in the swamps of Dagobah that I have not bothered to write as it would just be filler in a comedic based one shot that has yet to have any jokes. We come back at the scene were Yoda teaches Luke how to lift the star fighter with the force~

"I can't. It's too big", Luke whined.

Yoda sighed and said, "Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Energy surrounds it and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship".

With that sentiment, the ancient jedi pointed his hands at the ship and used his power over the force to effortlessly raise the ship.

"I don't believe it", the young Skywalker said in awe.

Yoda looked at him and said, "That is why you fail".

"All right, I'll give it a try", Luke decided.

"**No. Try not.** **Do… or do not. There is no try"**, Yoda said in a stiff tone.

~If you stuck with the story this far I commend you. Now that the back round has been established, I can get to the funny~

"So after Yoda's inspiring speech I spent all day training with the force, Ben", Luke said to the force ghost of his friend.

"Aww yes, I have had many great inspirational talks from that jedi", the spirit commented thoughtfully, "What did he say to you? I was talking to my old master at the time".

"Well he said… um, ah. What was it? Oh yes, 'Do or do not there is no try'. It truly inspired me", the young jedi replied.

"_Wait… what?"_ the dead jedi said in utter shock, _"He couldn't have. No, Yoda would never try to teach something like that to a new jedi"._

"What do you mean, master?" Luke asked.

"_Its just… only siths deal in absolutes and that was a complete absolute", _Obi-Wan said in continued shock.

The two walked further into the jungle, just thinking about what they'd just talked.

"Master, why would he teach me a sith ideal?" Luke asked.

"_Where is Yoda right now, Luke?" _Ben asked.

"I think he's in his hut, why?" Luke responded.

"_Why don't we go see just what it is that he is doing",_ the deceased jedi said as he force projection faded into a cloud and began to drift quickly in the direction of the hut.

The man and the force field, for lack of a better word, traveled as quickly as possible back to Yoda's home.

What they saw when they peaked threw the window (well Luke peaked, Obi-Wan more along the lines of sticking his head threw the wall) was worse than anything they could have feared.

Yoda was babbling some crazy chant and bowing down to a sith artifact.

Now, an untrained jedi might have stood there for hours in complete shock as their world turned upside down.

Obi-Wan did that. Luke ran.

Not fast enough, or quiet enough for that matter, to keep their little green friend from hearing them. Not like it mattered, given Yoda was known to be able to sense the force signature of an ant on the other side of the galaxy and this was a very powerful jedi outside his door.

Needless to say, the jedi, ah um, I mean sith, jumped after them. Literally bounding up and down in an effortless manner to catch up with the young Skywalker.

Luke took the brief two seconds that it took Yoda to exit the hut as best he could to make one hell of a head start.

It hardly mattered though; he was a speedy little bugger.

Luke made a final gambit and ran behind a thick grove of trees. Once Yoda was out of his sight he doubled back and ran back towards the direction of his ship.

The young Skywalker had passed it about a hundred yards back, but didn't dare try and free it yet.

He arrived at the swamp clearing where he originally landed.

The sight was clear, so he pointed his hand at the ship where it had sunk back into the muck.

"R-2!" he yelled as he cleared his mind, "prep for flight".

The small astromech whistled as a response, somehow, despite the fact that it had never been established in the entire history of astromechs as to whether their whistles were coherent language or not, Luke understood.

"I know it's still in the muck! Just trust me!"

The droid whistled back defiantly, but did it anyways.

With that taken care of, Luke willed the force that bound everything together… It barely lifted up at all and the inertia it created caused the ship to sink further.

"Nooo!" Luke yelled as he fell to his knees and hit the ground in frustration, "What should I do now. Ben! I need help!"

"Luke. Use the force, Luke"

"I did that, it didn't work!" the jedi yelled out, "Oh and I know you can form a force ghost as long as you want here, so just show yourself!"

At that moment the astral form of Ben Kenobi made himself visible in front of Luke. His arms crossed and his foot tapping.

"_Well? I'm waiting",_ the ghost said irritably, "_You have to get out of here now! This would be what I refer to as the most opportune moment"._

Luke grunted, as he got ready to try again.

"That's it. Now widen your stance and take deep breaths", the ghostly jedi turned his transparent head one hundred and eighty degrees, "Oh yes, and for added inspiration, Yoda is charging in this direction at the speed of sound, whining and screaming. He's flailing his light saber you know, oh is he saying must kill Luke? I think he is".

"Enough!" the Skywalker screamed. His eyes glowed bright blue and he tried again, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

The ship flew up ten feet above the swamp. Luke then had it barrel roll to get off the mud off and if that wasn't enough, he then flipped twice before landing the ship very gently on a rock.

"Right you were master Kenobi", Yoda said, who had arrived moments ago, "Ready he is for the training".

Luke stared at the little green jedi and pulled his saber out to defend himself.

"_Did I not tell you my old friend? He only needed the proper inspiration,"_ His dead friend said with a chuckle.

"Impatient he may be, hmmm, but come through he does in a pinch", Yoda mused.

Luke had since lost his patience at this matter, so he decided to use his new force powers to get his friends attentions.

"He hem", Luke said as he hit yoda's head with a small pebble, "What is going on here?"

"_You can put your weapon away Luke",_ Obi-Wan said, _"He isn't going to harm you anymore"._

"Anymore?" Luke asked as he sheathed his light saber.

"_He might have if you didn't do what you just did. This is desperate times after all and we couldn't risk you joining the dark side after failing our training"_, the dead man explained.

"What about him being a sith? 'Only siths deal in absolutes'. 'Do or do not there is no try'. That is an absolute and Yoda said it outright", the young man complained.

"Hmmm foolish you are if a sith you think I am", Yoda chuckled, "Do or do not, hmmhmm. Fooled you we did".

"You were fooling me! I was scared for my life!" Luke yelled at his mentors.

"Don't be so dramatic young Skywalker", Yoda joked, "To all new jedi we do this hmm. Trick younglings into thinking old master Yoda is really a sith lord to trick them into using powerful force. Many years it has been since used that one, that I have".

"_Remember the time you tricked me?"_ Obi-Wan asked, "_I went off into the deepest part of the temple and convinced the other younglings to commit a full scale assault on the jedi council chamber"._

"Hmmm Yes, quite troublesome you were young master Kenobi", Yoda laughed once more.

The young Skywalker had heard about enough after all this squabbling. He jumped into his space ship and prepared for lift off. Anywhere was better than here.

"Where are you going?" Yoda asked.

"_Yes Luke, you must complete your training", _ghostly Kenobi said to the boy.

He thought fast and lied, "Um Leia and Han need me. I um feel it, ya feel it".

"Complete your training you must!" the old jedi yelled as Luke powered up the engine.

"Oh can't hear you! The uh engines are too loud. Bye masters!"

With that sentiment Luke flew off in the direction of cloud city, many, many systems away.

**There my dear friend is chapter three. If you do not like the plot please do not blame me, my brother makes me write these. To make matters a bit worse he doesn't even ever give me a good plot line. It's more along the lines of 'you know what would be hilarious?'**

**So in conclusion, if you, my loyal readers, would like a one-shot idea written comment it and I will see what I can do. (Because of my almost nonexistent comment level I'll write it no matter how much I hate it… well as long as it isn't morally apprehensive) **


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